to me it sounds like a third reprise of a song...well more like hundredth variant.
I come into a position again where the choice I made out of kindness and thinking "Maybe he gotten better than last time.." which turned out that I have to constantly remind myself that I had a bad feeling about moving down to arizona and now all I want is to move out.
This isn't my first time ranting about my brother and honestly it might not be the last... but mainly since I make less than 250 USD a month now (no joke that is what I make for the work I do..) Video Editing/Making, Social media assistance, Website Management, Server management... recently my workload has dropped but my pay is the same... Now this money I don't receive directly but it goes into bills as far as I know...
Now, I had 3 friends out of hundreds of contacts I have that I have talked about this... they are talking with others to help me out. I HATE HATE HATE!!! asking for money and I am sick and tired of dealing with people that are annoyed I received money by friends. When I do accept I go on this roller coaster thinking "money could have helped cancer research, or helped giving hungry children food." I had one friend come up to me is said "The reason I gave you money as a gift, because I know you... I trust you, and I hope you continue to do more work with alicornradio. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it but its good to know that you have a deep connection with others. I am able to give you this small amount but it should help you in some way... to relax you... get something to eat that you like... see a movie... maybe invest in stock and you might make it big. Just don't give up..."
That was the kindest thing I ever read on skype and did help me out... I will always still feel indebted to those that are kind and nice to me... I will always worry what I can do in return.. but I can't and it feels like I am pushing myself into a corner and pouting
I am trying to save up money that I get from friends but I keep a strict spending limit to reduce the chance of dropping below the amount I need for getting out of arizona or phoenix area and move into my own place.
Just recently we finally received a lease for a place my brother found... the lease gave ALL THE POWER to the owner and was able to in fact charge money to us if something was wrong and they deemed it as such. Now I am in a dash for a place to look for when I don't want to live with my brother any longer... but moving out to another state isn't cheap... My father has to move to Navada and get his divorce done which will take at least 6 weeks yet he has Physical Therapy to do here in phoenix... If we stay together I fear I will lose it... If I get a job (and I am seeking and applying for work when I can) this will place more stress on my father whom already hates that he needs my help because in his eyes he feels like a burdening me with his requests... and they do infact get annoying but I do them anyway. Even if I didn't have a issue he keeps telling me how much pain he wished I could take from him so he can walk again.
It places more stress on me that I don't need with the need for a higher income and the voice screaming in my head to move out. I don't want to just disappear and cause more issues, I want to leave in a mutually positive way.